I am a mother of two children. Their father was an alcoholic and a psychopath but I did not recognize that at the time. I just loved him and pitied him because he had such terrible parents. Of course we discussed what our marriage would look like and he guaranteed me that for us things would be totally different than for his parents.
Maybe he was sincere, maybe he really thought that, but it didn’t work out very well. As soon as I was pregnant, he started drinking his beers again and in the course of time he developed into an alcoholic. I hadn’t realized that, because he went to work as normal but it is true he could never stop after one or two drinks. When I was concerned about that because in the meantime he had become a juvenile diabetic, my family doctor told me that, if he couldn’t stop, he was an alcoholic.
And all the pieces of the jigsaw fell into place. To make a long story short, my daughter adored her father, hated me because he seemed to hate me and made sure she would not hold a positive thought in her mind about me; my son became a drugs addict, became homeless even. A few years later he went into rehab and after a clean year, decided to go back to his mates to say goodbye to his old life and there he died from pneumonia.
In the meantime my daughter had decided she didn’t want any contact with me after the divorce and after some events and honest mistakes I made, so I didn’t see or hear anything from her for 7 years. Only when my son got a traffic accident in 1997, we me tat the hospital and very slowly develop a kind of relationship again. I was extremely happy with that but should never have told her for apparently she can’t handle my love.
It has been like that for all the six years that I have been back in my country and live quite close to her. As soon as I felt more comfortable in expressing my love for her, she would strike back and we were back on less warm terms. I can’t remember how often I had to decide to take a step back, away from her, again and again. And then things went better for a time, until I showed my love too much again and so on and so forth.
It’s a cat-and-mouse game which i can no longer continue. And I’ve said so. And then she cut contasct again, blocked me on Facebook, blocked me on Twitter. I still can read her tweets in spite of that, only can’t react. Maybe it seems weird, communicating with your own daughter mostly through Facebook and Twitter, but I loved it for we had never been very good in oral communication and this way we came much closer to each other… yes, and with the same old consequences <sigh>
Yesterday she tweeted that she had gotten such a nice surprise from her kids, a self colored button and they said they were so happy with the love they get from her and that they were together…. and she was so glad with that. I understand but also worry about my grandkids. To me it seems that they have picked up on their mother’s dissatisfaction with the marriage? The plans she was making to go out on her own in the near future? Wouldn’t she realize that might very well be what’s behind this? I can’t say anything, whatever I would say would be twisted anyway, and oh, I forgot, she has cut me off …
This morning she tweets that she hoped SHE would never be jealous of the love other people got from their children… and I felt it as a personal attack again. Now I’m writing this, I sort of see that it was not meant for me and does not apply to me – I don’t think she knows I can still read her tweets anyway.
Just needed to vent, I was feeling way too desperate for a beautiful sunny winter day like this, and guess what… it helped again!
My apologies if I repeat certain stuff, I only sit and write here when I’m totally desperate and then I can’t take the time to check what I have written before.