Valentine’s Day

Today I tweeted: some people you love so much that you don’t send them a Valentine’s Day card to spare them even more mixed emotions

sort of hoping my daughter would read this and maybe maybe maybe understand? or maybe it would make her think? or maybe…  ???

Probably not such a good idea after all, but it cost me quite some self control yesterday to NOT send a card in the mail or through email. I just had to so something today. It is true, I don’t want to cause her more grief, and also I discovered I’m simply too angry with her about a lot of stuff. It wouldn’t be a good thing for me to react furiously again if she would respond in a not so nice way if I did send a card, ppffffffff

Am sending Reiki to our relationship and that generates a lot of sadness, which is good, I suppose. It has to get out one way or other, right?

But I’m crying my eyes out and am sort of paralyzed in the rest of my actions, like housekeeping, my work as a freelancer etcetera

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and another weekend

I was supposed to get a big job in for this weekend but is has been postponed till Monday so now I’m trying to get through these two days. Of course my sadness and grief are overwhelming, I just don’t want to go on living, but that’s nonsense, I know. I would never do anything to cut off my own life but I’ve a feeling that I’m slowly being killed this way. Don’t know what to do… I would want to see my granddaughters, but don’t kow how to go about it and also don;t know what to say if they ask me questions – they’re used to me always giving honest answers.

Should go and walk the dogs, but I can’t get enough courage together to actually go out and do it, am always afraid that I’ll meet people with dogs off leash and that doesn’t make for a relaxing walk. Wait, that’s an idea, if I just take them and walk to the mailbox instead, that’s not through the park so less chance on meeting other dogs… I might do that. Being outside is good for me, I know that/… and must be bettr than this.

Also have to start using my new computer and it’s the same thing, I simply lack the courage…

I’m sad, I’m crying, I don;t want this conflict but have no clue how to solve it either

Call my daughter on the phone? don’t think so when she’s cut me off on Facebook and Twitter and did not react to her birthday card or present

I will probably end up writing an email and getting no answer or another crazy or angry one back and I’m not strong enough for that yet.

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background

I am a mother of two children. Their father was an alcoholic and a psychopath but I did not recognize that at the time. I just loved him and pitied him because he had such terrible parents. Of course we discussed what our marriage would look like and he guaranteed me that for us things would be totally different than for his parents.

Maybe he was sincere, maybe he really thought that, but it didn’t work out very well. As soon as I was pregnant, he started drinking his beers again and in the course of time he developed into an alcoholic. I hadn’t realized that, because he went to work as normal but it is true he could never stop after one or two drinks. When I was concerned about that because in the meantime he had become a juvenile diabetic, my family doctor told me that, if he couldn’t stop, he was an alcoholic.

And all the pieces of the jigsaw fell into place. To make a long story short, my daughter adored her father, hated me because he seemed to hate me and made sure she would not hold a positive thought in her mind about me; my son became a drugs addict, became homeless even. A few years later he went into rehab and after a clean year, decided to go back to his mates to say goodbye to his old life and there he died from pneumonia.

In the meantime my daughter had decided she didn’t want any contact with me after the divorce and after some events and honest mistakes I made, so I didn’t see or hear anything from her for 7 years. Only when my son got a traffic accident in 1997, we me tat the hospital and very slowly develop a kind of relationship again. I was extremely happy with that but should never have told her for apparently she can’t handle my love.

It has been like that for all the six years that I have been back in my country and live quite close to her. As soon as I felt more comfortable in expressing my love for her, she would strike back and we were back on less warm terms. I can’t remember how often I had to decide to take a step back, away from her, again and again.  And then things went better for a time, until I showed my love too much again and so on and so forth.

It’s a cat-and-mouse game which i can no longer continue. And I’ve said so. And then she cut contasct again, blocked me on Facebook, blocked me on Twitter. I still can read her tweets in spite of that, only can’t react. Maybe it seems weird, communicating with your own daughter mostly through Facebook and Twitter, but I loved it for we had never been very good in oral communication and this way we came much closer to each other… yes, and with the same old consequences <sigh>

Yesterday she tweeted that she had gotten such a nice surprise from her kids, a self colored button and they said they were so happy with the love they get from her and that they were together…. and she was so glad with that. I understand but also worry about my grandkids. To me it seems that they have picked up on their mother’s dissatisfaction with the marriage? The plans she was making to go out on her own in the near future? Wouldn’t she realize that might very well be what’s behind this? I can’t say anything, whatever I would say would be twisted anyway, and oh, I forgot, she has cut me off …

This morning she tweets that she hoped SHE would never be jealous of the love other people got from their children… and I felt it as a personal attack again. Now I’m writing this, I sort of see that it was not meant for me and does not apply to me – I don’t think she knows I can still read her tweets anyway.

Just needed to vent, I was feeling way too desperate for a beautiful sunny winter day like this, and guess what… it helped again!

My apologies if I repeat certain stuff, I only sit and write here when I’m totally desperate and then I can’t take the time to check what I have written before.

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Got to decide what to do

It’s been almost three weeks now that I had this exchange of awful emails with my daughter. She’s blocked me on FaceBook as a result, blocked me on Twitter, and didn’t react in any way on the book I had had sent to her as a birthday present.

I have to decide what to do. I haven’t seen the girls, my granddaughters since mid December and I really miss them. I am afraid to ask my daughter about this, giving her another opening where she can hurt me. On the one hand I feel I must, on the other hand I think I’ll just let it go for I really don’t feel I’m up to even more pain. I already am in pain, I’m in such godawful pain!!!

First I lost my dad when I was 19, he was 49; then a dear sister in law, I was 27, she was 34; then my marriage exploded in such a way that I lost all relatives on both sides, except for one brother and his wife. Then another marriage broke off, then my son died, then my third marriage beat the dust…

During my 2nd marriage my daughter broke off all contact with me. That hurt so bad. Everywhere I saw mothers and daughters, everywhere I heard about loving daughters, good relationships…. Then my son got a car accident and my daughter and me met at the hospital and from that day forward our relationship developed very slowly.

No, I was not allowed to show my love, she couldn’t handle that, no kisses, no hugs, she didn’t even want me to grab her hand ….

And now I think she’s never learnt to handle my love at all. Maybe because of the indoctrination by her father? But shouldn’t she grow up one day and see the truth??

Yes, I made an awful mistake in my dealing with her. All I can say is that at the time I did not know it was wrong, had no idea that it would feel so terrible to her. Now I can see that, and years ago I already told her how awful that must have been and how sorry I am and that I hoped she could forgive me. She said she had… I do think I’ve paid for that, have been punished enough by the seven years she refused all contact, in which she never responded to any of the lovely or just funny cards I sent her, the photo album I made especially for her, the morning dress I knitted for her as a special gift – a reminder of one I made for her when she was 8 or 9 years old .. not one word, never, not even after we got back in touch with each other.

And I was so used to being thought guilty of everything – that’s what a marriage with an alcoholic does to you – that I never even asked… stupid me.

Now I have to decide if I’ll just email her and ask about visits of the girls… or ask her husband? or forget about it and hope for the best?

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I had hoped it would stop with me

I realized very well that my relationship with my mother was far from perfect, and was of course worried how that would pan out with us, when my daughter was born.

Well… she was my second child, her brother had just turned 3 when she was born. When she was born, her father said, “You casn keep our son, this one is mine.” I had no idea what he was talking about, I thought it was just the normal daddy-daughter thing…

But from day 1 he told her things like, “Come to Daddy, Daddy loves you, Mommy doesn;t love you..”And “Jeez isn’t Mommy stupid?” Look what Mommy\s done wrong now…” I felt totally powerless when this happened, but trusted on my daughter recognizing my true and deep love for her, because that was around her every day.

That didn’t happen. We had a very traumatic divorce when she was 14. I have always been very careful not to say bad things about her Dad, because I felt it was bad enough for her, to know what he’d done without me saying anything negative about him. He was still her Dad after all. Now I wonder if I had not been so stupid and integer, if that would have made a difference now.

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A safe place

I need a place where I can express my grief, where I can talk about the real deep pain I experience. I have many friends on Facebook, but don’t want to burden them with the very black stuff that also lives in me.

I need an outlet. I don’t know if I’ll ever get any responses, we’ll see, but the first reason for this blog is that I must be able to just talk, to just share, even if it’s “only” with the universe.

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